Fresh Start

Starting over isn’t that hard. It’s all the stuff that usually calls for a “start over” that’s hard. It’s usually pretty easy to walk away. Cut ties. I’ve done it. Too many times to share… and in big ways and small.

You don’t have to move, break up, cut your hair or change jobs to start over.

I grew up to believe you did. I thought – if you get mad, or frustrated or bored or tired or WHATEVER you feel…change something and change it BIG. Move, quit, sell all your stuff no matter who it uproots or disprupts.

Thankfully, I have evolved out of that disruptive process of living. As a kid moving from place to place seemed like adventure…11 schools…taught me how to adapt and make friends, sort of. It also taught me to not be able to trust others, not become too attached, and not be open with people about how I truly feel. I never allowed myself to be vulnerable, but rather “be tough” and “suck it up”, and that I did.

me n jar

Occasionally the knee-jerk monster of change starts to rumble around in my belly, telling me I’m not content or I’m not being effective enough or that I just need some new faces. About 3 1/2 years ago I made some big changes and really believed they were well thought out. They didn’t disrupt anyone but me, and my lovely husband who has to listen to me hash out all the highs and lows every day. Until they did. I got myself into situations that weren’t healthy for me. I was having anxiety that made my heart race. So, I made a another change. this one had much more promise and then it was like I had never changed. Unstable environments and bad decisions seem to be quite alluring, apparently.

I’m still processing the changes and trying to really reflect on what causes me to flee or hide. I have settled on a few things.
What makes me run:
1. Not feeling accepted.
2. Being unappreciated.
3. Poor behavior by others I cannot control.
4. Stretching myself too thin (burnout).
5. When my life is making the life of my family more stressful or difficult.

So, as you can see, these are not bad reasons necessarily. What they are is things I need to learn to process BEFORE I hot the high road. To evaluate each thing and not make assumptions of others. In Brene’ Brown’s book Rising Strong she asks us to reflect on the behavior of those we meet in a more gracious leaning and as ourselves “what if they are doing the best they can?” Then, if that ‘best’ isn’t that good look for ways to help and not hinder…or in my case, run away and hide.

As I move forward, I’m focusing on being intentional. I’m saying ‘no’ to things when necessary, staying home when I feel like I need to, setting boundaries for relationships and shutting my mouth. I often draw people into my personal drama, which doesn’t help anyone. My hope is that my life will become more of a flow. While change is ok, I’d rather it be a easy adjustment than an abrupt right turn to something else. I’m looking at who I want to be in the second half of my life and what parts of me I need to leave behind.

Excuse me while I go get my flow-y clothes on. You know to ‘go with the flow’.

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